I have to admit... I'm tired.
I'm a little tired of opera.
All though everything is going great with my development vocally I feel tired.
I'm tired of all the difficulty, the tediousness with phrasing and shaping the vocals correctly, singing on air "Sul fiato della voce". Bla, bla... I mean I do it when I practice, but just because I have to, not because I enjoy it.
Maybe a laid back attitude will be helpful. Being "lazy" and not seeking perfection as much as I'd normally do. Most of these thoughts come from the Monteverdi music I have to learn, It is overwhelmingly difficult because it's simple. I'm scared I won't be able to learn it well enough. I really want to do this ancient music justice, but I tend to be sloppy. I guess It will be many days clapping rhythms by my piano... that's the only way I know how.
Right now I just want to sing spirituals and jazzy sounding things. I miss just singing and belting my heart out.
My mind is truly spinning around my life right now. I finish school in June and have to find a normal people job without any loans to lean on.
I feel really scared about not going to a music school and more importantly not having a job that has to do with music. I hope I'll find auditions and some projects and concerts I can perform in, but there is no guarantee.
I also want to take the time to see if I truly want to go on with this... Can I do it?
No matter what friends and family and even teachers tell me, I have to truly want it. And I don't know if I do. I feel I've given up a lot of life to follow my dreams. I only know music, I don't know life.
So that is my goal from June on, to just live a little. See what life has to offer...
All though I think any job will be fine, I'm not sure any job will constitute as living either... I guess this will truly help me make up my mind. I can always sing, I don't need to be a well educated singer to continue singing.
I just don't want to have to go through life feeling like I never truly tried.
xx Erika Grace